A year ago this month Hubby began radiation. Cancer was spreading. To bones. To bladder. To liver.
One of the things I think I did well for Hubby in his declining months was to set aside projects—which isn’t natural for this project-oriented girl—and simply be present for him. Reading companionably together. Playing Words with Friends. Trying new recipes to entice him to eat. Coaxing him outdoors.
One warm sunny day, I was trying to hose off the back deck and sweep it. At the same time. Not easy with just two hands.
Me: “Hon, can you hold the hose while I sweep?”
Hubby: “I can’t. I have cancer.”
This is the perfect example of how not to use your card. In case you’re wondering, the cancer card officially expired in our home that day.
Photo credit: Pixabay
One of the things cancer taught us was the importance of living now while there is a now. And so we took up hiking and snow-shoeing. And we established a non-profit and wrote for grant funding. And everywhere we traveled to speak, we planned side trips.
Presenting to audiences in Vermont, Connecticut and Maine sent us venturing the back country roads of New England. In Florida, we explored around Palm Beach and across Alligator Alley to Tampa Bay. Speaking in Denver took us up to Estes Park and hiking in the Rockies.
Hubby says this is why he makes me hike in front
It was the news of yet another cancer death this week that made me think of the incredibly kind people who reached out to us when Hubby was dying. So, what to do for the bereaved or for those who are keeping vigilance as a loved one is dying?
Here are some ideas from all the thoughtful, helping-us-fight-cancer, creative, would-do-anything-for-us people in our lives:
I’m exhausted. Head-achy exhausted. And it’s not just because I’m up at 5:30am to get The Boy to school for an all-day field trip; it’s not because of the thought of his 8-10pm baseball game tonight; it’s because we’re into Week Four of single parenting. These three precious grandchildren. I want to be their grandma and not their parent.
A year ago this month, we met with Dr. Maunder, a palliative care physician. One of his jobs was to help Hubby complete a POLST form (Physicians Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment). In the course of the conversation, Dr. Maunder asked him this: “What most concerns you?”
Hubby pointed at me and said, “Leaving her.”
And so that next Saturday, Hubby announced that he was going to spend the day teaching me how to survive. I learned how to do our banking online, including how to deposit a check using my phone camera. Hubby taught me how to use my phone’s GPS system.
And he pulled out a large pipe wrench for lessons on unclogging the bathroom sink. I gave him my best raised-eyebrow look, whereupon he put the pipe wrench away.
One of our cancer team members was *finding meaning.* And one of the ways we established meaning and purpose was by sharing our story with various audiences across the country.
But here’s the irony: Hubby would have paid to not have to get up in front of people and speak. Jon Acuff, in his book Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job and Your Dream Job, wrote:
If you admit that there is a chance that you are good, perhaps even great at something, you should feel a little uncomfortable. Because if your gift is not nothing, that means it is something. And a gift that is something is always a little terrifying.
Doing nothing—putting your feet up on the coffee table and watching other people lead extraordinary lives—is so much more comfortable than using your gifts.
You’d think I’d be finished with all the business matters of becoming a widow, right? You’d be wrong. I made the mistake of calling Barclay to find out how to get my refund from a purchase made on one of my credit cards. When the Customer Service Rep learned why the primary name on the account (Hubby – although it doesn’t appear as *Hubby * on the card, but as *Gary*) couldn’t come to the phone—could never ever come to the phone ever again—she cancelled the two Barclay cards. Immediately.
“But you can’t cancel. You still have my money.” Turns out, they can cancel. And turns out, they get to keep my money for two invoice cycles. Interest-free. Although had it been the other way around, I wouldn’t have gotten away with interest-free money.
It’s always so much fun sad when The Parents leave and the grandma has the grandkidlets all to herself. It’s also a little dangerous. For example, yesterday the 6-year-old decided I needed a make-over. The 14-year-old warned me: “You might want her to go easy on the eye shadow. Otherwise you’ll look like you have two black eyes.” She speaks from experience.
This reminded me that Hubby used to talk about giving cancer a black eye. Which is defined as getting off the couch and doing something you don’t necessarily feel like doing.
They loved their grandpa despite that fact that he teased them mercilessly. Or maybe because of it.
So how do you explain cancer to grandchildren? And how do you help them through their loss? Here are three ways:
Copyright © 2025 Marlys Johnson
