How I was wrong

Thirteen years ago, a wonderful job opportunity opened up in New Jersey for my son-in-law, Josh. I was the most supportive mom-in-law I know—Yay, Josh!—until it became clear that he planned to take my daughter, Summer, and our grandchildren with him.


Photo by Daniel Koponyas on Unsplash

When my husband, Gary, and I were able to visit the Far East New Jersey, we started a tradition of taking each grandchild out one at a time: hot chocolate or an ice cream cone and our undivided attention.

I was in Jersey this past week while Josh and Summer attended a conference. Now that there are six grands, the logistics for one-on-ones are a bit more challenging.


Now that there are six grands …

But I did manage to take The Teens out to dinner, and did dates with The Littles one at a time in the playroom over homemade Chai tea and my undivided attention.

We kept on schedule this past week—school, chores, homework, play—and we added boisterous memories to the movie reels playing in my head:

A Saturday picnic lunch.

Games of Uno and Sequence.

Bacon and eggs and pancakes for dinner one night because they love breakfast for dinner.

An afternoon browse through Barnes & Noble.

Our communities of people—our tribe, writing critique group, cancer-kicking walk/hike/snowshoe crew, knitting posse, church family, support system, co-workers, team—will look different for each person.

This insight from Henri Nouwen:

Community is first of all a quality of the heart. It grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive not for ourselves but for one another.

It’s not always easy to stay connected, to give each other our undivided attention, to co-suffer in compassion with the team member who’s hurting, to build burbling memories.

It takes a commitment of time and effort.

But the reward of belonging—of having each other’s backs, of being in service to each other—far exceeds the investment it takes to stay plugged in.

Being the math genius that He is, God established the exponential power of community — of marriage, and family, and friendships, and villages where we’re stronger, more fiercely loving, more resilient together than on our own.

God inspired dinner tables and gathering places where people can share food and laughter and love and wisdom because He knew we would need each other. He knew we would be better together. 

And now I’m sitting in an east coast airline terminal, waiting to board a plane back to central Oregon, and reflecting on the thirteen years that have skimmed past since Josh took Summer and the two grandkids to the Far East …


The year Josh took Summer and the two grandkids to the Far East

… thirteen years since I knew we’d only get to see them maybe once a year, if that,

… thirteen years since four more grands were added to the family,

… thirteen years since I was sure these added family members wouldn’t know me if we only got together once a year.

But I was wrong.

Because although Gary and I couldn’t afford to get on a flight very often, we called these people regularly. On Skype, on FaceTime.

Cost: Free, as in zero dollars.

And when we did get to visit, we set aside some sacred time alone with each grandkid, the gift of letting them know how really and truly important they are to us.

And we tried to plan some simple, memory-making ventures with the grands in mind.

Even though Gary’s at home in heaven, my relationship with each of these kiddos is strong.

But that didn’t happen all by itself.

Our people are irreplaceable. But oftentimes we don’t fully realize this until it’s too late. I know this from experience.

Life on this Tilt-a-Whirl globe guarantees that we won’t always have the people we love here with us. Guaranteed.

And so maybe we should stay connected in whatever way we can. Now. Maybe we should invest the time, the effort, the inconvenience.

And see if the dividends don’t pay exponentially beyond all expectation.

A final thought

The Littles commandeered my reading glasses one afternoon, making fun of me, I think.


Reading glasses thieves

Who wouldn’t want to give up her spare time and catch red-eye flights to put up with such disrespectful grandchildren?!

In all seriousness, I’m honored every time Josh and Summer ask me to pitch in, that they would entrust me with their children, entrust me not to corrupt or spoil them too terribly, not to break too many of the rules.

Although, it seems that every time I show up, there is some inadvertent rule-breaking: “Mom lets us stay up late on school nights and watch TV.”

Oh, OK. If Mom says …

And every time I show up, there’s bound to be some corruption where everyone is sworn to secrecy: “We probably don’t want to mention the Barnes & Noble chocolate chunk cookies to Mom or Dad, right?”

But isn’t this why God made grandparents?


What if we took one day at a time?


When winter collides into your spring


  1. Pat Weber

    Thank you for your uplifting article. You made my day.

  2. Wendy

    Beautiful article Marlys. I’m missing my daughter today. It’s her 21st birthday. Still hope to spend precious moments with her someday.

  3. Grace Lawson

    Yes, Grandchildren are so very special. That is so nice that you could visit them !!! Thanks for your story !!! God bless you !!!

    • What is it they say, Grace? “If I’d known grandchildren were so much fun, I’d have skipped the kids and gone straight to the grands” … something like that?!

  4. Pat

    Thank you for sharing.

    Our nine grandkids bring us so much LOVE & JOY❣️

  5. Cheryl White

    Marlys, you always make the best of every opportunity! You are the “funnest” Grandma I know!!

  6. Thank you for the reminder that undivided attention is the most important and treasured gift we can give our people!

  7. Summer is the image of you! Their move enabled you to see how we live in the East. I like your idea of taking the children on separate outings. It’s the only way to have quality conversation in reference to who they are growing up to be; and I’ll bet it makes them feel special too.

    • You’re absolutely right, Marcia. For example, NYC was never on our list of must-see places, but with the kids living a 45-minute train ride from the city, we’ve gone there numerous times over the years, and it’s been absolutely fun every single time. And I discovered that New Yorkers and New Jerseyites (Jerseians?) and other East Coasters are lovely, kind people.

  8. To a Nana with a long distance grand, this is so encouraging! And a lovely reminder that community takes commitment. And it’s worth it–by God’s design.

  9. Sheila

    Beautiful story of the importance of gkids, family, community and our Lord! Whenever one of my gkids jokes and ask who’s my favorite…I just smile and say…well of course, the one I’m with that day! They are all my favorite.? Spending alone time with your grandchildren is so important, they know you are truly focused on them and their world.❤

    • What a great answer to your grandkids’ question about your favorite, Sheila: “… the one I’m with that day!” Of course.

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